


Hana Hana Hana Hana Hanahaki Goose

by Linedragon (Sameshima_Shuzumi)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - The Soulmate Goose of Enforcement, Background Nakia/T'Challa, Bisexual Female Character, Chronic Hanahaki Disease, F/F, Female Friendship, Female-Centric, Femslash February, Hanahaki Disease, Hierarchical Polyamory, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, LGBTQ Female Character of Color, Mentions of canonical death, Soulmates, Swearing, Talk about destiny? How about the moment you hear John Mulaney, Trope Recombination, Trope Subversion, no endgames only Culmination
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-26 13:18:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22874242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sameshima_Shuzumi/pseuds/Linedragon
Summary: Very sorry to stick this in a fluffy, fun fic.Pour one out for our missing Chinese fans.Give yourself a minute to hear that silence. Look around. Those were mostly girls. Their voices are all gone now.And now a wlw fic, and I would like that to actually happen. Love each other. It is an act of rebellion unlike any other.If hanahaki were combined with the soulmate goose, and soulmate casualties weren't fatal, would it slowburn or would the tropes cancel out ?I don't think this answers the question; I just took MountainRose's advice to write the thing. Yep, it's late.
Relationships: Brunnhilde | Valkyrie/Nakia (Black Panther)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Hana Hana Hana Hana Hanahaki Goose

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Chronic Hanahaki (Tumblr)](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/562084) by ProfessorESP, ChuckTaylorUpset, MzMinola. 

> There is no chill here. I am very sorry to stick this on a fluffy happy fic—story notes are at the end—but as of the 29th of February all of your simplified-Chinese fellow fans are gone from AO3.
> 
> Why? Rumor has it because some faction started a fucking purity ship war that culminated in reporting them to the Chinese government. Yes. THAT ONE. Even if this wasn't cause-and-effect. why. Why would that be worth it? If in this timeline, in this year 2020 you still think it's your fucking "duty" to "win" your petty fandom squabble via petitioning a corporation, government, religious group, site provider, or original creator — you can sit and spin till Carrie Fisher calls your fucking name. You're not protecting anyone, and certainly not kids. Hint: If you do hate AO3 so much, then go open your own. I do have issues with that sentiment, but 'the source code is free' has always been true, it is a *feature*.
> 
> _Censorship will never, ever, ever, miss a shot at decimating the most vulnerable communities._ All it does is enable the destruction of the very sanctuaries we built. Tip for you, pal: fight speech with more speech. If, in the extreme yet likely case of Nªzis, inciting violence and death can be answered with a punch. Never with silence. Fiction is NOT REAL, and no one is making you read it! Inciting??? There is consent all over this place! There are MANDATORY warnings for the most common triggers... a decade old! Even if male-dominated spaces treat fiction like their personal checklist of intrusive thoughts—and it is NOT meant for that—this is a predominantly female-forward space! Our playground! Constructed and populated by!
> 
> In the event that you can't control your own intrusive thoughts, you are literally the one clicking these files open and reading them. No one is doing non-consensual brain uploads. Don't act a passive consumer and then accuse other people of thought-crimes. You didn't think, so you're innocent? HAH. The "logic" of setting up a witch hunt and then distancing oneself from the gallows is pure cruelty at its most refined.
> 
> Silencing will only be weaponized against you. No one is saved. How many times do we have to explain that extremists **want** us to fight each other? How about looking up why AO3 was necessary in the first place? How many examples do you need? Honestly, sometimes I want to port back to Harry Potter days and tell the good ship warriors how their mostly carefree meme-before-we-called-them-memes would be twisted, except it would've emerged in another form anyway. Stupid time travel. I am tired, and I am tired of the heart of our community rushing to the aid of tangible evil. The history's not even COLD in the WIKI. Some of you were _already alive_. Well here you are: this happened yesterday.
> 
> I cling to the slim hope that no one was imprisoned for this. If you're reading this, don't delude yourself that it can't happen to you, nor happen where you are. Here's another tip: you don't have to like other fans to give a shit about them. I clearly do not like a whole lot of people, but I can still manage to give a shit. Try it sometime.
> 
> Now. Give yourself a minute to hear that silence. Look around. Those were mostly girls. Their voices are all gone now. Grasp, if you will, how many people needed AO3 as their last resort.
> 
> Here we go with a wlw fic, and I would like that to actually happen. Love each other. It is an act of rebellion unlike any other. Here are some woman characters who know about refugees and power and leadership thrown into zany hijinks. The goose is not real. The flowers will not choke your words. Enjoy, in freedom.

## Hana Hana Hana Hana Hanahaki Goose

### Jump In The Pool

Nakia would never have noticed it if she hadn't gone out drinking with the senior Dora. That meant the ones who hadn't been dusted, the ones who had stayed behind and held the world together with sheer will and levelheaded pragmatism in the face of grief. She should have bottled up her guilt for missing it. She could have done so much. Except she'd toked up with Okoye, who must've had some kind of enhanced detoxifying liver, and Okoye saw right through her.

And simply Looked at her. That superpower had not waned in the intervening years. Okoye reserved her commentary for people she trusted, unless or until they did something so stupid she couldn't speak, and then they got the Look. 

"I know, I know, there is no use in punishing myself!" Nakia ate a handful of yam chips as reproachfully as she could.

Okoye drew breath to tell her exactly what she thought, when she fell silent and glanced behind Nakia. It was so alarming that Nakia tried to twist around as well, which nearly knocked over a row of bowls. Ayo laughed from her seat on Aneka's lap. The pair was certainly feeling no pain. 

"What," Okoye said, "is that?"

Nakia cast a glance over one shoulder. Then the other one.

Okoye sighed, and turned Nakia's stool by a quarter. Then she pushed her shoulders till she was looking down.

At the large waterfowl staring back over the hip-height partition. 

Now, Wakanda didn't have anything so unseemly as infected livestock; this part of the bazaar was rated for freely wandering non-venomous animals. 

The wind-barrier rose from the ledge, ruffling its unconcerned feathers.

"It's been staring at you," Aneka said.

It was more of a glare. 

Aneka did not seem concerned, but Okoye was becoming increasingly tense. 

"It's just wildlife," Nakia dismissed. She wouldn't meet its beady eyes.

"It is not," Okoye said. 

At last her tone of voice made Nakia sit at attention. Okoye had spent a lot of time with the Border Tribes. When Nakia brought back injured animals from her conservation initiatives, it was the Border Tribes who rehabilitated them, so Okoye's knowledge was more whole than her own. 

She looked at the ... duck? "Are you saying the duck is a spy?"

The bird _hissed_.

Exactly like an angry snake. 

Aneka and Ayo were too well-trained not to react. In a blink of an eye they were crouched on the woven rug in ambush battle formation. Okoye jerked forward like she wanted to do the same. 

"It's a goose!" Aneka whispered.

Ayo started to laugh under her breath. (Nakia was always half impressed and half frightened by Ayo when she laughed, eye-whites showing like she could slaughter you with a smile.) "Nakia, you insulted it," she told them. 

"How was I to know!" Nakia said. She was beginning to wonder if Okoye was on to something. 

Okoye was disgusted with her. "How are you in espionage if you can't pick up on a goose? No goose on the continent looks like this." Less assertively, she added, "I don't even know what kind it is."

"Ask," prodded Ayo. 

"Nah, Her Highness will check your search history, and pester us about the goose until the cattle are at the gate," said Aneka. She cast a fond look on the animal; she did have an affinity for dangerous creatures. "Perhaps it is after what we're after. It wants Sister Nakia—"

Nakia clicked derisively. 

"—to leap into the pool!"

Treacherous Okoye said, "If you don't listen to us, listen to the goose."

"You are baboon butts. What about you!" Nakia turned it around. "The decoupling is finalized, isn't it? Why don't _you_ get back in the pool?" Too late she thought she'd misspoken.

Okoye only sniffed like a smug lion. "I am. I met a handsome boat captain in Mtwara. He was evacuating ships lost at sea."

"Show her the instagram!" called Aneka. 

Okoye flicked at her kimoyo beads and called up a feed of gorgeous ocean shots. "We have decided that long-distance is best for us. That is beside the point! You went through all the trouble to draw up an open contract with Our King, and you have not taken advantage. He will think he hasn't ironed his underwear, sooner or later."

"T'Challa is not _worried_."

"Are you speaking of the same Black Panther?" Aneka said. "He worries about the leaves in the trees. Long may he reign in wisdom."

"Regardless," Okoye said with extra firmness, "of what a man thinks of your choices, why have you done nothing? It is not like you to miss a chance."

"It does not matter what a man thinks," Ayo intoned. "Unless it fills Sister Nakia with envy. I heard T'Challa is considering a threesome."

Aneka laughed (which made Ayo laugh). "You hurry it up. Once Our King approves a fact-finding committee to finalize his schedule, he will have his threesome."

"Or it will have him," said Okoye.

Ayo cackled.

"Anyone would have a threesome with T'Challa," said Nakia loyally. "All right, I give you that. He would schedule a raincloud if he had to speak to it about personal matters."

Okoye shook her head. "Your stripes run the same way. How you can be impulsive moving mountains, and hesitate... before you jump in the pool."

"It's not that simple!"

Which was objectively true. Ideology aside, what had loosened her clasps to T'Challa would do the same to any other partner of hers. 

Except the goose started flapping _and_ honking. Quite disagreeably. The Dora all leveled their stares at it, until finally it took a flapping leap to land on the partition, disrupting the wind-barrier, clamoring directly at Nakia. This prompted the inebriated Dora to challenge it right back ... which got the whole group kicked out of the establishment.

By the time they'd finished paying for damages, the troublesome goose was nowhere to be found.

  


### Antihistamine Don't Do A Thing

Adjusting to a new planet was a pain in the ass. 

Technically Val had already done it. Hightailing it out by the skin of their teeth had turned the settlement phase into less of a relief and more of one more shitty thing to deal with. Except now their stragglers were back. Val had spent years managing their colony down to the last IKEA run, only to have their population double in size. Start all over again. Fucking shit, filling out forms _again_. It was pure luck that Norway was all about telling other countries to fuck off. For all that Terrans had been exposed to aliens, they sure had issues with them.

This was a good outcome, Hege insisted. Hege was her therapist. Terra got a lot of things wrong, or just plain weird, but their mental health services were a crapton better than the rest of the galaxy's. Psychology as a field was fucked up, but they had their shit together for a people who didn't normally do psychic technology. So Hege occasionally had a point about good outcomes. Like reminding Val that she had Aragorn. She was King of New Asgard. (Nobody forgot her sisters' names. That was a sad thought layered with gratitude, so it didn't count.) 

"Don't you like the meadow, Val?" said Erling.

He'd been born on Terra, so he called her by her chosen name instead of Brunnhilde this Brunnhilde that. She couldn't help but hear the voice of her veigarskorð calling her that.

That was a good memory, actually. She was a little surprised.

Val sneezed. 

Erling recoiled. Oh, shit. The new kids had taken pandemic training, with puppets and glitter, and she'd forgotten to cover her nose. "It's okay. Allergies." She gave him a watery smile. "That's why I'm not into meadows."

The vales and the foothills and the fjords were loaded with wildflowers. There was no escape. Every spring was the same story. Val felt run-down and stuffed up and she was spitting like she was chewing khat rolls. Speaking of, she took out a stick of gum. The peppermint helped, some. Even if she wanted to curl up and die in the surprisingly cozy quilted duvets, she had to drag her tired ass through the working list _somehow_. Harder stimulants didn't affect Asgardian physiology; Terra was so cut off that obtaining stronger stuff was prohibitively expensive.

There were plenty of Terrans to offer their sympathies for this seasonal indignity. The pollen and the humid, infected air swept over indiscriminately like a tangling net. At least Val didn't get the ruddy, dripping nose and the puffy eyes.

Then it would start all over again the next year.

"You should get that looked at," said Erling.

"Quit repeating your mother," countered Val blearily. "I can't handle two of you."

Erling thought she was hilarious. There was that, at least. It was an excellent reason to hang out with him and the other brats. They didn't know anything except the post-apocalypse. To them, New Asgard wasn't new at all. They were of hardy Asgardian makeup — a Terran friend said they bounced like Harry Potter wizards — so all they required of Val was to haul them in before they fell off a cliff.

Val made herself turn the next time she coughed. 

Her gum flew out of her mouth, and landed in the tall grass.

Did a meadow have littering laws? Fines were fixed to income, so that'd be a percentage of almost nothing, but it would be _bad publicity_ for the leader of New Asgard to do something so pedestrian as break a minor law. It might go viral! Oh no!

And she was down to one stick of gum. It wasn't even mid-morning.

Another cough racked her.

The wind kicked up. 

Flower petals swirled into the air.

It was a nice day, she thought aggressively. Fuck you Hege.

  


### Chase Scene

Nakia was in high demand post-Event. Natasha Romanoff's passing had coincided with a great many spymasters stepping aside, oddly nonviolently. Almost as though she'd set up a global network of failsafes. In her wake, non-state actors had filled the vacuum, and that was where Nakia excelled. Dealing with amateurs. 

Some of whom had to be laughing at her. She'd been made, and in Dubai of all places, and now had to act naturally while pulling off an evasion through over-planned streets with seemingly _no alleys_.

Next mission, she'd find out who was still large-scale manufacturing ammunition. Guns. Honestly.

The whole time, her heart was pounding with adrenaline, thumping like a small gazelle's.

Her kimoyo beads tingled. _Need a lift?_

Oh thanks to Bast in all her faces; Shuri's nosiness had come through. 

"Yes, please," and the beads vibrated left and right to show her the way.

Once she hopped a parking barrier to slip into a waiting coupe, Shuri popped up on the dashboard sandtable. "Okoye is going to yell at you!" she said cheerfully.

"What?" Nakia slipped on her seatbelt. "She wasn't briefed on this mission." Her heart dropped. Why were her palms sweaty? Was something wrong?

Shuri just grinned. "You have no idea what caused your mission failure, do you!"

"No need to look so smug, Your Highness," said Nakia coolly. Why wasn't she calming down? The coupe was taking her far from danger, and it was as good as an embassy in terms of legal immunity. "Mind explaining while I get over not getting shot?"

"You'll see!"

And so she did. 

The safehouse door opened to an angry, flapping goose.

Nakia swore. 

It was rote habit that made her slam the door behind her, instead of shooing the beast out.

At this point, the nearest table activated to show the unimpressed face of General Okoye. "What kind of spy are you that you don't notice a goose following you through the city?!"

"You followed me through the city?!" Nakia bore down on the goose. The part of her taking tea underneath the layers of hysterical laugh-crying believed it was the same goose. But that was impossible. Like it was impossible that this fowl could understand her.

"HONK!" The goose stood its ground.

Nakia looked down at it. Beady judgmental eyes stared back up at her.

"The entire monitoring team put a tracer on the two of you. It waddled through a mall. Tourists took photos! How did you miss that?" Are you compromised? Okoye sounded incredulous, and a little disgusted.

Nakia crossed her arms. Trying to exude confidence. She'd never in her life worried about that before, part of her thought. "Are you rigged to blow up?" 

The goose hissed. 

That wasn't a real answer. Either way.

"Scans are negative, but check anyway."

"Oh, I will," said Nakia with a glower. "Explosive device or not, you blew up my mission."

"Grab it by the neck," Okoye suggested. By default the safehouse was actively surveilled. Apparently she was going to watch Nakia deal with this avian pest, and not entirely for protocol's sake.

"By the neck? Really?'

"Well, it might bite your face off, but you'll find the bomb. Its feet would be more fragile." A hair more gently—possibly because she'd noticed Nakia talking to the bird—Okoye added, "Maybe put your toolkit together first?"

Nakia set up the bomb-and-bug disposal tools, during which she thought about opening a skylight and tossing the goose out. The goose remained in the exact center of the room. As though no one would dare ruffle a single feather while it sat in the crossfire zone. That was fucking unnatural.

It stayed, unruffled, even as Nakia prepared to examine it from behind the forcefield. Bast, that was an unnerving stare. Natural or unnatural, Nakia didn't want to hurt it. Sure enough the goose was eerily serene as she grasped it by the throat with one hand and felt around with the other. The gloves weren't reacting. 

Even as her own heart sped up, she wasn't able to feel if this goose had a heartbeat. It was registering as warm, though.

Its stare was very cold.

"Reading _says_ it's an ordinary goose. Estimation is it's one of the European breeds." 

"If it is a spy—"

"Don't be ridiculous," said Nakia, even as her mind raced ahead. She couldn't entirely discount the notion. This was a safehouse. The doors were _locked_.

"—you should keep it with you. You don't have the materials there to anesthetize it safely, so you'll need a carrier."

"I have to wrap up my mission," said Nakia stubbornly.

The goose was twice as stubborn. It came alive in a flurry of feathers, snapping and honking, and Nakia let go, shrieked, and jumped on the daybed. 

Okoye cracked up. "Oh my, that is the best thing I have seen all year."

"This better not end up on the intranet!" Nakia huffed. Who was she kidding? Shuri was recording everything. The rest of the world had Big Brother, they had Little Sister. Of course at worst she would make a meme out of it. Nakia trusted she had suppressed any phone camera snaps before they went viral. Official tapes would be in the capable hands of the local War Dogs. Who would probably start a meme.

"Okay, I've seen enough. Try not to get killed," Okoye signed off.

"Wait! What do I feed it!"

Agh. Of course she had to look it up on the internet.

Since no one but Shuri was watching now, Nakia heated up a hand-pie and got to checking points of egress. The goose could clean up the crumbs. How had the creature gotten inside? European domesticated animals had been low priority in the War Dogs network, so without a there wasn't an exact DNA match; only that the animal probably wasn't of Germanic stock. Less likely to be Continental, more likely to be from northerly regions.

Her thoughts skipped to the otherwordly. Norse legends had those ravens. The legends were based on Asgard. Maybe...

The goose waggled its body. Preening.

"I didn't ask you," said Nakia, her heart beating faster. 

She got it a dish of water while she called T'Challa. He too was concerned, and said he was very glad she'd contacted him. Once they got to reviewing the footage, he was back to cracking dad jokes like the dork he was. The goose had definitely been following her. Its trail wended through her zigzag route like a pixel line drawn with a mouse. "Why did it not take flight? It would have been faster!"

"HONK."

Nakia ignored it, even as T'Challa's eyes widened a bit. "You are an expert on birds now?"

"I work with people who fancy themselves birds, and they are winging away at the first opportunity. Can we check if it's possessed?"

"Maybe I'm giving off some scent that it likes. But how does it keep getting in and out? We first noticed it back home. You should check up on the Border Tribe, Your Majesty."

"I am so advised," said T'Challa with a wry smile. "In fact, I will contact New Asgard to see if they can shed light on the matter."

"T'Challa, you don't have to."

"No, our best spy just told me about a serious breach in our defenses. Twice, now." He raised a brow, his mouth quirking. "Or would you rather talk to Dr. Strange and his associates?"

Nakia knew he was teasing, but she felt weirdly ... petulant. Baba would call it childish. "Fine. I will wrap up this trainwreck—"

The goose let out a windmilling cacophony of objections. So it _could_ fly! Nakia, well she ducked, and seized it by the neck. "I am on a private call!"

"HONK HONK HONK." Then it hissed.

"Are you all right?" T'Challa looked... worried. "You know, it could have a point about delegating responsibilities. Mbali and Kantu can take over your case."

"Are you siding with the goose?" Nakia placed it in the kitchenette and closed the door. "I have dealt with nicer snakes!" She told the goose. To T'Challa she gave a weary nod. "I hope that monster lets me sleep tonight."

Rather cautiously, T'Challa said, "Do you need backup?"

Her heart was skipping. "I can handle it, Your Majesty."

  


Nakia was drifting out of sleep and running through her mission specs when she was woken by a racket.

"You give me back my passport! Come back here!" 

Oh, they would definitely have to replace this safehouse.

  


### Friend Date

Dr. Hulk's secretary called to schedule a meeting. Val went to the nearest IKEA to buy new drinking pitchers. She'd learned a lot about manufacturing the first time she'd tried to replace the beverage vessels. IKEA had customized the Jätte Vas for her, and donated a hundred of them along with new mattresses to New Asgard. In the warehouses they were being marketed as vases, but they much easier than hauling the keg around.

She picked a rise with a nice view and, she hoped, fewer flowers. Dr. Hulk's texts sounded like he needed to vent.

They needed space for that. Space and nothing breakable. Well, except for the Jätte Vas. 

"I can't believe he did this!" Hulk loped out of the jet, coat already half ripped. Val's hair was lifted by the gale force bellow. "Did you hear? Did you see this? Of course you didn't. You have the sense not to watch the feeds."

Yep, he sounded like he needed a good wrestle. 

"You gonna tell me what happened, or do I kick your ass?"

"I can," said the Hulk, "Do BOTH!"

"Me too," laughed Val, and they tore up the ground.

"Tony," huffed the Hulk, "He left me R&D!"

"Randy? Is that another one of his robots?"

"It's a departMENT!" There went a boulder. Had she cleared the valley below? She could've sworn she had. "Research and Development. All the stuff Tony did! Tony Stark! The genius!"

"Aren't you a genius too?" Val dodged, and hit him in the face. Hulk picked her up and tossed her. She rolled, and slid, and came up spitting. 

"I thought," said Hulk, winding down oddly quickly. Deflating, even. "I thought it would go to Rhodes. But he's taking over as Iron Man and I'm..." Dr. Hulk collapsed on the lip of the nearest crater. In turn it collapsed under him, and he sat in the bigger crater. "I can't follow that act."

Val realized it was talking time. She coughed into her sleeve, wiping her nose. She hated this part. Necessary evil was another Terran phrase she'd gotten used to. "Is it too much for your massive skull?"

"No. No, I think I can... I want to say he's a pain the ass even in death, but that's unfair. He did leave notes. It's a lot of notes." He huffed. Tentatively Val punched him on the arm. Take that, Hege. Dr. Hulk's nostrils flared, his eyes darting a glance down at her. "Thank goodness Pepper's here. She can decipher anything Tony Stark. Even those little cocktail napkins."

"You into her?" Val said slyly.

Hulk was indignant, and palmed a trough into the gravel. "She's a widow!"

Val blinked. What did that have to do...? "How long is the mourning period here?"

Hulk looked flummoxed. "Uh, um, some cultures go for years, some are a few... months? I guess?"

Not his culture, then. "Well, there you go!" Val whipped out the drinks. With two hands she lifted Hulk's until he had to take it. 

"Thanks. Yeah. Ah. Pym said he wanted to help, but he hated the Starks. I'm not sure how much I should entrust to him. If anything. At least Hope is being reasonable."

"How about her? She's hot."

Suddenly the Hulk turned his full, snorting, dampened attention on her. "Maybe I'm not the one who should be dating."

"What? No. No, get out." She shoved at him.

Dr. Hulk laughed. Gravel tumbled into the crater. "You mentioned two pretty girls in two minutes."

"So you do admit they're pretty."

"All the superheroes are pretty people. Except for—"

"Ah ah ah!" Val wagged her finger at him. She'd seen it on social media and the reactions were amusing. "You admitted Rocket is pretty. You can't count yourself out."

"Point taken," Hulk said, subsiding. "Must not be much time for dating, anyway. You're the head of a nation-state, technically."

"Oh, I've got time," said Val, declining to mention Hege's guide to a work-life balance. "Everyone pitches in. I guess I got used to a collective—" meaning her sisters, "—so that's how it's set up. I have to answer the important phone calls and shit like that. Norway's actually pretty cool about helping out with administration. They're efficient. Like they've got nothing better to do. Leaves us time to kick ass and take names." She coughed. 

Dr. Hulk seemed to see what she wasn't saying. "I'm sorry I left you to deal with Thor. I had an idea that it was bad, but not that bad."

"Eh, you had your own shit to deal with. I mean, all this pretty couldn't have been easy."

"Don't tease," said the Hulk, but he was chuckling a little bit, and her chest tightened up with a warm feeling—

To cover, she started to chug. All she succeeded in doing was coughing into her drink, spilling precious drops. She wiped her mouth. And coughed. And coughed.

Well, shit. There were flowers all the way up here, too.

"Val?"

"Stupid... allergies..." She cleared her throat again, hem-hem, gargly, hawk a spit. 

Dr. Hulk looked alarmed. "Val, you're Asgardian. You can't get sick." The earth shifted beneath them. 

"It's a seasonal thing. It's," she choked and sneezed at the same time. 

The Hulk thumped her in the back.

That went as well as expected.

After the dust cleared, and the crater was another foot deeper, Val dusted herself off. "See? Got it out of my system."

He looked like he wanted a go at her with a tongue depressor. "That's not right, at all. I mean, Thor never... Have you seen a doctor?"

"I thought you're a doctor."

"For the millionth time, I am not that kind of doctor!" Dr. Hulk cradled his head in both hands. "Val, when was the last time you were sick? Before this?"

"Infants are prone to illness the first day before their Naming. Then they get their vaccinations." 

"Then..."

She shrugged. "We don't get sick."

He leveled a glance at her over the rims of his glasses. 

"Is anyone else sick like you?"

"It's allergies, Banner!" Her tongue felt thick. She was short of breath, but that was the altitude, right? "So it wouldn't be anyone else! We passed quarantine ages ago. Besides, your average healer can't do anything advanced. If they could, that chart'd end up in some secret file, and no thank you. We read the Avengers security brief." She shrugged. "Who would would see me?"

"Maybe what we need is a bump up in technology," Dr. Hulk said thoughtfully. 

"You're standing right here. Head of Stark Industries R&D."

"No, someone who really is better than me. Man, I'm glad Scott and his friend filled me in, Steve would never think to mention... aha!'

Apparently the Hulk had mastered pockets. If her throat weren't spasming, she'd give him one of those high-fives. 

"It's no big deal."

"It is," insisted the Hulk. Couldn't really argue with the big guy. He waved his jumbo phone. Or maybe it was just a regular-sized laptop. "If you give me your consent, I'll refer this case to Wakanda."

So many little countries to remember. Was that in Africa? Which part of Africa? Val could look it up online later. 

"Alright, you got it. Only so you don't go smash from the anxiety."

"Thank you," said the Hulk, feelingly. 

Val felt the pressure ease off. See, it was getting better already.

A bright splash of color lay at the bottom of the crater.

  


### Interlude: U-Turn

Nakia nearly crashed the plane.

Somewhere over the Med, the goose went into a frenzy. In the cockpit. 

And not in the hold where it had been inside a locked and tamper-proof crate.

"What do you want from me! Do you see your cousins in the clouds or something?!"

The goose bit the yoke.

"We are going to see the husbandry specialist in Norway!" And the magic lore guy, too, but she was focusing on not putting them in the water. One of them was more likely to swim away unscathed.

The goose was leaping on the controls and pecking at the instrument heading. It was a good thing it only responded to Nakia's touch. 

"You ornery flint-hearted tick wagon! I have to alter the flght plan, stop... stop pecking that! Stop it! Agh! What do you want from me! What do I want!" 

For some reason, that wild outburst merited a reprieve. The goose hop-flapped to the co-pilot's chair. Before she could examine that, the nearest tower answered her ping, and she dove back into cool professionalism of the crew checklist. Calm, cool, collected. Deep water. Deep breaths.

### Interlude: Diagnosis

"I have a parasite!?"

Instinctively Val looked around for a sharp object. Or a blunt object to put through the table. Or a weighty object to throw through the wall.

Aragorn was totally unconcerned, which only riled her further.

"That is amazing," said Dr. Hulk. 

The princess or whatever-she-was Shuri had already scored points for accepting Aragorn into her personal laboratory, and she was more appropriately grossed out. Except that was bad, that was terrible, because apparently this didn't happen in Terra. What if this was some Kree boobytrap? Fuck, Val hated those. "It didn't show up on standard scans because it's all soft tissue, and it's following your alveolar branches."

"A camouflaged parasite," said Val. This was worse than that infection she'd caught in Nowhere.

"It could be, with your physiology, more mutual. Your gas exchange is 53% more efficient," said Dr. Hulk.

Val was definitely calling Hege. Were they in the same time zone? Did it matter? Hege was getting out of bed for this. "All this time? How did I never notice this before! It's huge!"

"It doesn't seem to do anything, or react to any kind of stimulus, until..." said Shuri shrewdly. 

"Oh," said Val. She could almost feel the branches twinging and creaking inside her ribs, resisting the pull of her diaphragm and air bladders.

"Until spring rolls around," finished Shuri.

"It blooms," said Val. "Holy fucking shit."

### They Meet! Nothing Happens!

The goose followed Nakia off the jet. 

The goose followed Nakia into the healing science manyatta.

The goose followed Nakia and didn't _do_ anything or try anything shady, which just made her story feel like a hare's tale. She was more rattled than she wished to admit. Her cousins always called her a bony crocodile: eyes in the sky, paying no mind below the surface of the water. It had rarely been a problem before now. There was nothing rational about what was going on.

No, that wasn't quite true. There was a deliberation to this animal's behavior. 

This goose was _gaslighting_ her. Her heart kicked up, her blood was all but boiling. This would not be borne! Sure, the world had supernatural phenomena crawling out of the ground and falling out of the sky, but Nakia was not going to star in some twisted fairy tale version of the goose girl—

She turned the corner and nearly ran into the winged horse.

The horse stopped. Almost politely, and it was a bigger shock to encounter an animal with manners. Then a woman charged past. She was talking loudly on a Stark ear-set. In one hand she clutched a medical waste baggy, an alarming sight until Nakia recalled Shuri redesigning it to auto-sterilize, after the Snap.

"_Forelsket_?! What is that supposed to mean! I'm not kidding, that doesn't translate."

Their eyes met.

They were nearly of a height, everything about her sharp and sharpened save her cute nose. She seemed to recognize the warrior's gait that Nakia didn't bother to hide in Birnin Zana as much as her own swaggering step. Her musculature was underlined by a bare shouldered croptop and an incongruous Hulk strip-bandage.

"Yes, I know it's supposed to translate. Explain it to me!" She paused. Then she backed up, nearly colliding with the horse's wing, and looked Nakia up and down. "Please," she said to the person on the phone.

Nakia felt herself break into a sweat. She could get by, but for some reason she was less inclined to insult the horse than the goose. The horse looked like it had the sense to fly when given the chance.

"Euphoria? Didn't your world use that as an excuse to stick people in asylum dungeons?" Another pause. The woman's gaze was riveted to Nakia as she stepped forward, then backed up again. "Don't give me that poetry crap! 'The first blush of love' cannot be a clinical diagnosis."

The thrice cursed goose shook its bill. Its shiver of feathers seemed pointedly _smug_ in a way that made Nakia prickle up all over.

Or maybe it was her racing heart.

"Okay. Fine, fine. I have a lead, anyway, I'll get back to you when you turn up some real science. From some real quacks." She shot a smirk at the goose. 

The goose stiffened up. Its wings twitched like it wanted to scream at the woman for such an affront, like it couldn't _believe_ this woman had dared to deliberately insult it.

Nakia was impressed. 

She was...

Oh no.

"You!" said the woman. "It's you, isn't it. I haven't breathed freely since I landed on this planet! You smell good."

Nakia opened her mouth to apologize for the stress-sweat from nearly crashing a plane and fighting a recalcitrant goose. Then it occurred to her that she had no idea who this offworlder was. No matter that her accent was cute. "...I'm Nakia."

The woman looked briefly surprised that she'd offered her real name. Like she knew what a risk it was to share that, when you were in the ops business. "Call me Val. Holy fucking shit, I didn't know my nostrils were this fucked up. That's pretty fucking amazing given that you're right here smelling like horseshit, Aragorn," she said to the horse.

"Oh," said Nakia. "Your horse."

"Yeah, he's his own guy. You definitely don't smell like shit."

Was she blushing?

For once in her life, Nakia had no idea what to say. "Thank you. I'm... going—"

No sooner had she formed the first part of the word than the goose exploded into a full-blown tantrum. The horse, Aragorn, was taken aback, though to his credit he didn't spook. Val stood her ground, eyes round, mouth open. 

Nakia internally sighed. Hoping the woman, or the horse, would protect her, she crouched down to get to goose eye-level. "I am not going," she told it.

The goose quieted. 

In the brief reprieve, Val said, "Nakia, I have not enjoyed food on this planet since we fucking landed. What's to chow down on around here?"

She offered a hand.

Nakia didn't even check for weapons. She took it. "I know a few places." She considered Val, for now ignoring how her heart thumped in her chest, regular and strong as a drum. "The cafeteria is closest. It's not bad."

They didn't talk on the way there, both of them wary as soon as the goose jumped on Aragorn's back directly in his blind spot. Nakia might have been a novice at animal husbandry, but intergalactic horses couldn't differ that much in hair-triggers. One-handed Nakia dialed up a huge order in the kitchens, and was assured that Bruce Banner sized portions were already being prepped.

She could barely cook a stew without burning, but she felt a rush of pride when they entered the cafeteria to find a table laden with a feast. It was almost like some primitive urge to provide for ... for her ...

Val fell on the food like she'd been starving for years. For a woman clearly out of medical testing, she dug in with her bare hands and stuffed her face like a pouched rat. 

It was charming.

She was charmed. _Oh, no._

The goose, perched on the bench like it owned it, looked insufferably smug. 

Nakia had to get a grip on this. The situation was so ... simple, and it had no handles, no points to analyze.

A long white snake struck out—

—and Val grabbed the goose by the neck.

"Wasshisssh shying chah _bite_ chu?"

Val was very much beaming a What The Fuck directly with her eyes. Groundnut sauce dripped down her chin.

So this was what plunging into the pool felt like.

**Author's Note:**

> I thought this would be a short one-shot  
except these are the two most protracted slowburn tropes since gay misunderstandings got romanticized.  
I regret that this is not 100K. If you want to mess with it, please do.  
If you want to steal or profit from my labor of love, please **do not**.  
As always, unauthorized duplication and distribution prohibited, canon is not mine, this is not an endorsement of canon.  

> 
> Okaylook, the title is so much better in Japanese.  
花！花！花！花！花吐き！鵞鳥。  
\- Please let me know if that's incorrect.  
\- Romaji : Gachō  
\- Goog translate hilariously provides kanji synonym: _gun_
> 
> Veigarskorð is a kenning for woman... a prop for drinks. The meaning here is obviously meant ironically and with intimate fondness. As in: hold my beer. Thanks, Skaldic Project! (Et cetera et cetera, keep alert for dog whistles particularly on non-academic sites. Sorry. Timeline!)
> 
> Manyatta is a compound of dwellings, like a circle of huts, a Maasai-area word. Check out www.gounesco.com/exploring-cultures-homesteads-and-huts-of-various-kenyan-ethnic-groups/ for a nice synopsis. Depending on the culture and community, could be transient, so if this hospital complex happens to have hovercraft capabiities, this is fanfic and you can't stop me.
> 
> Bony crocodile is a moniker based on appearance but not in the obvious way. This is another name for the dwarf crocodile. Her cousins aren't calling her bony; they're calling her _small_. 
> 
> In the interest of Archival Completion, Hiruma_Musouka also had a notable addition to the tumblr thread (it's up there in Inspired By; I guess I have to put the whole link for accessibility? idk anyway it's on the tumbs, best thread I could find terminated with mzminola 190431933953) Back in December '019 I really did stuff MountainRose's askbox with that anonymous question (in italics) ... I don't know what I was expecting. XD I must emphasize that I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. 
> 
> Note: I don't see why Wakanda has to adhere to westernized colonizer ideas of marriage, so whilst I do ship the so-called canon ship, do not upset yourself when I make it cooler. You know what you're getting into! Because THESE TROPES.  
TOP


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